ADHD and Relationships - What is ADHD and What is Just Being a Bitch?
Do you also find yourself in situations where your partner suddenly gets really angry, and you don't understand why? In this post, we’ll give you some scenarios and tips on how to build better and stronger relationships.
Do you start arguing because they think you just "check out" when they want to explain something thoroughly?
Like a long description of how the dishwasher works so it doesn't break again because, for the umpteenth time, you put the dishes in wrong? Or do you zone out when they want to discuss various possible scenarios regarding an important life decision?
Maybe you've had a really good day, but in the evening, your ADHD brain can't take in anymore. And you check out without even noticing it yourself.
Now, your partner thinks that they/your relationship isn't important enough to talk about and leaves the room...
What do you do then?
These are important but painful questions that many people with ADHD can relate to. It might not need to be said.
But if you recognize yourself in the description above, you are not alone!
It describes exactly what so many women and men with ADHD experience in relation to the world. Namely, that it moves too slowly. It feels like your skin is crawling when people are talking to you. And you just want them to get to the point.
Unfortunately, those more thoughtful moments, when you slow down and think things through, are also necessary. Because when it comes to important life decisions, as both you and your partner know, things can go very wrong if mistakes are made.
Understanding each other's brains
In the best-case scenario, both partners in a relationship have self-awareness. And respect for each other's strengths and weaknesses. This means, in your case, knowing how your ADHD brain works and understanding that your partner's brain approaches the world differently.
For an outsider, it’s often no problem to see the situation from both perspectives and feel great empathy for both parties.
Let's do a thought experiment
Try to imagine a situation where your ADHD brain is completely exhausted from trying to process impressions and relationships all day.
In the evening, you are sprawled on the couch watching a meaningless reality show while scrolling through social media, binging candy and painting your toenails.
Then your partner comes and sits next to you on the couch. They want to discuss the best pet insurance based on eight different variables. And start reading long texts to illustrate what the different options include.
You snap that you couldn't care less and shout out to pick the first option.
Your partner falls silent and leaves the room. You feel like a jerk, but at the same time, it's nice to be left alone.
Your brain really didn't need that...
Imagine if the situation above played out like this instead:
Your partner asks you for advice (They might feel they often have to make big, life-changing decisions alone. And sometimes feel a bit abandoned by you, who have difficulty stopping and listening and always seem to be heading somewhere else?).
You respond that, of course, you want to listen and help your partner decide your shared future. But your ADHD brain is a bit overloaded right now after handling a day's worth of impressions.
Maybe you even describe that listening to something difficult to grasp, which includes several different choices, is particularly challenging for you. Just because your brain goes into screensaver mode when faced with tricky problems and challenges.
You ask your partner if you can schedule a time the next day. When your ADHD brain is better equipped to handle this big challenge.
And you suggest that you hang out together on the couch and watch something on TV right now instead.
A scenario like the one above could play out in at least two different ways:
Your partner gets irritated because the decision needs to be made NOW to avoid serious or expensive consequences.
Your partner understands that your "zoned-out mode" doesn't mean you intend to leave them alone with heavy decisions. Nor that you’re not trying to avoid them. (Strangely enough for some, a question about which insurance company to choose for the dog you haven't bought yet – can be an extended hand for feeling closeness and togetherness).
Avoid misunderstandings
These types of situations arise all too often in relationships where one partner has ADHD.
And the other struggles to know what is ADHD and what is rejection.
But most and the worst misunderstandings can be avoided. Just if we can put them into words and take responsibility for our part in the dynamics that arise around an ADHD brain.
Best of luck in building your relationships!
🫶
Lotta Borg Skoglund
MD PhD & Letterlife Co-founder