Many girls and women with ADHD, ADD and autism (AuDHD) mask and overcompensate for their difficulties in relation to their surroundings. Often, this happens unconsciously, but it still costs a lot of energy to constantly be vigilant about being perceived as friendly and correct. This article is exactly about that and will give you some tricks to overcome it.

Smiling, making eye contact and interacting with others by giving interesting and quick responses can be exhausting. You might find yourself completely drained, with a headache or on the verge of a panic attack after a day at work. A simple social event at your child's school or a dinner party with neighbors.

Perhaps you even have sore facial muscles from smiling and raising your eyebrows to avoid being perceived as unfriendly or overly tense.

Here are a few tips on how to gradually free yourself from energy-draining masking and live more authentically in line with your true personality:

🎭 Thank Your Masking for Its Long and Faithful Service

Constantly feeling the need to guard yourself in social situations is both unfair and exhausting. However, remember that it can also be an incredibly smart survival strategy for those of us who haven’t always been able to trust our gut feelings.

Perhaps this superpower you’ve refined has saved you from situations that could have been even more damaging to your self-esteem than the energy-draining masking.

🎭 Identify When You Mask

As an adult, these masking strategies often become automatic. You might not realize it’s happening until you’re home alone and can let your guard down, releasing all the built-up tension.
Pay attention and identify the situations, contexts or people with whom your automatic masking patterns kick in the most.

You can use mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing. Why? Simply to recalibrate your body’s balance before entering different social situations.

✏️ Write down your observations and build your own database of knowledge for the future.

🎭 Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

Reflect on the automatic thoughts and “truths” about yourself that usually arise during and after social situations.

✏️

Write them all down in one column.
Then list all the counterarguments you can think of in the next column.
Create a third column with more realistic and positive thoughts that you want to use. In order to replace your old, negative and anxiety-inducing beliefs about yourself and others.

🎭 Practice Shifting Focus from Yourself to Others

Remember, you’re not alone in worrying about how you’re perceived. You’ll also encounter many people who love being the center of attention and talking about themselves.

Take advantage of this golden opportunity to shift the spotlight from yourself to others by being curious and asking questions. This way, you kill two birds with one stone: you divert attention from yourself while making others feel seen, interesting, and appreciated.

✏️ Prepare in advance by writing down a list of open-ended questions. If you lose confidence or don’t know what to say. Sneak away to the bathroom, read through your questions and return with renewed energy.

🎭 Practice Active Listening

By asking open-ended questions (questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no but require the other person to elaborate) and concentrating on listening to the answers, you shift the focus from yourself and your own thoughts and feelings.
Try giving your full attention to what the person you’re talking to is actually saying.
Enhance your engagement by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and giving verbal affirmations like “I understand” or “that sounds interesting.”

Although this might feel like masking, active listening can help you become more present, less self-conscious, and more relaxed. In the long run, it can boost self-esteem and reduce the need to mask by making you feel more authentic.

🎭 Take One Step at a Time

Even though many of these tips are part of evidence-based CBT techniques, they’re far from a quick fix!

Start with small, manageable social situations and work your way up to more challenging scenarios. Gradual exposure, where you slowly let go of your well-established strategies, allows you to cope with the anxiety that always comes with self-challenge.

Remember that your masking has served a purpose: to protect you from the most dreadful feeling humans can experience—shame.

Respect that you and your body will want to hold on to this vital survival strategy.

Over time, you’ll notice that the anxiety and energy you spend on masking in social situations will decrease.

Feel free to check out the Letterlife app, where you can get more tips. You can also get support, find strength and exchange experiences with those who are in a similar situation, in our Community!

🫶
Lotta Borg Skoglund
MD PhD & Letterlife Co-founder

Drop the Mask – Live from your authentic self