I used to judge other parents. My perspective changed when my own children started refusing to go to school. Navigating this journey revealed signs I had ignored. Here’s a glimpse into our chaotic, enlightening experience with school refusal and ADHD diagnoses:
In the past, I’ve been quick to judge other people’s parenting skills. It’s an attitude I look back on with embarrassment and shame.
I’ve improved though, but I clearly remember how often I was thinking;
– What’s wrong with people?
– What do you mean by ‘not going to school’? Just tell the kid to go!
– What lazy, inept parents — they have no boundaries!
Not my proudest moments, for sure!
Today, my children are 20, 15 and 11. Two of them have refused to go to school. One of them, home since fourth grade, is now slowly returning with the support of a fantastic special school.
My youngest is showing some signs. But as a now-seasoned parent of school-refusing kiddos, I keep close and open communication with the school. This to prevent and work around potential issues before they become problems.
My daughter Nova, now 20, suddenly refused to attend school in the fall of 2018. In hindsight, this wasn’t completely out of the blue.
“Honestly, there had been signs (which I ignored) and signals (which I missed).”
For instance, Nova started having panic attacks and experiencing dizziness at school. She struggled with social interactions and failed academically despite all the energy and effort she poured into her studies.
She fought like a champ and masked her difficulties (as I realized much later). While I wore thick, all-encompassing, and very comfortable blinders.
That spring, I was working on a Swedish TV series called Super Kids. The show followed the Swedish comedian Måns Möller as he met with neurodivergent families, living in different levels of chaos.
Måns, having lived experience as a dad to an autistic son, interviewed experts. Highlighting where things went wrong and finding strategies to make everyday life smoother, if not entirely pain-free.
My own life was also totally chaotic at that time. My sons’ father had passed away a year earlier and they lived with me full-time, while Nova stayed with her dad every other week.
“Our life consisted of tantrums, deadlocks and constant conflicts.”
It’s a miracle that I didn’t grind my molars to powder and that my knuckles didn’t become permanently white. Considering the constant frustration and tension I carried around during these years.
Nova was, of course, never a problem.
She helped me pick up and drop off her brothers and cooked them dinner when I had to work late. Essentially the other adult in the house. She was fifteen. And I was grateful. And blind.
Day after day, I would roar, sigh and coax the kids through their morning routines. Followed by dropping off a quite carefree Bobo at daycare and a heavily crying Manne at the entrance for second graders.
“I stood amid the answers to my chaotic life. “
Then I left for work, where I stood amid the answers to my chaotic life. My job on the TV series involved writing scripts for the editors and cutting the episodes.
This included watching all the footage shot in the homes of the families participating and listening to all the interviews with the neurodiverse children including their parents. And of course, a ton of great tips and hacks from the experts.
I watched hours of experts explaining the signs of neurodiversity and parents describing chaotic mornings exactly like mine. As well as children talking about anxiety and difficulties being at school.
And then I’d go home for the day and think: “THANK GOD my kids don’t have any diagnoses, that seems so incredibly tough.”
“…all my children have been diagnosed…”
Today, six years later, all my children have been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD. And my sons also have autism. So… yeah, it took a good while to understand what all our difficulties were about.
Once I had opened that door, the diagnoses came raining out. And it became just too obvious to me that it was about time to look at myself.
“If all my children have ADHD… maybe I do too? Or?”
I got assessed, and lo and behold (not really surprising): I also have ADHD!
When I had my feedback session, the psychologist said,
“Oh, how I wish you had come here 25 years ago.”
Me too, in every possible way!
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